Saturday, March 10, 2012

Oh fog

So many different thoughts flood my mind...

I can't wait to see Emerson and Hunter. To see my very own children's faces... Where will my breath be then, but taken away and caught up in such a magical wonder I'm sure! They are mine... to keep. 

The unknown... the difficulties... the learning experience of it all. Really, no book, no words of wisdom can fully prepare me I'm sure. I wouldn't be honest with you if I said I wasn't a bit overwhelmed at times thinking about the first couple months of being responsible for these priceless gifts!

Joy! Stepping into my calling, my purpose in life. I will do so with much prayer, seeking Gods strength, peace and guidance. Remembering to surrender, even now, remembering that I am more than a conquerer through Christ Jesus... Remembering that He is taking care of me, while I take care of these boys. No book on parenting, on preparing for twins, let a lone one new baby can calm my heart like The Word, or like the words of such great men and women who have gone before me and walked side by side with God. I find myself gaining strength, emotionally, mentally and spiritually from books like Absolute Surrender, or The Indwelling Life of Christ, and The Calvary Road. Each of these are small, short reads, but all of them encourage me. I must align myself with The Lord my God and Maker, and set my feet firm upon His path. I will ever set my eyes on Him!! "Keep me steady Lord" I pray.

My body... What a journey it's been on... and will continue to be on.

Sometimes I sit in a daze. Not sure how to spend the moment, or hour. Hunter and Emerson are both moving. I love that they have each other in there... already bonding. I have laundry I need to put away, dishes that have been washed and now ready to be placed in the cupboards, mail to sort and little baby clothes to be placed within the 'Hospital/Go Bag'... But still I sit. And get lost in thought, or in a fog of no thought and all feeling. Oh fog, you are funny. And terribly pointless.

This pregnancy has challenged me more so mentally than anything. Especially in the last few weeks as my body has slowed down. I've always found my worth in what I was able to do/accomplish. And most days, I don't feel like I accomplish much at all. Yes, I do accomplish things, but not the....


Really, you wanna know what I've done for the last couple hours?!
Took a bath, watched a bunch of clips from the Ellen show, ate about half a box of Wheat Thins, a bowl of ice-cream and now just finished crying, well, I'm not sure I'm done with that... tears are still upon my cheeks. 
Who am I? I don't eat like this, EVER!! {I know I didn't eat much, but I'd eat all the comfort food that you'd put in front of me right now, we just don't have any in our house, but I want it}. I cry because everything is in flux. I'm too tired to do much of anything. To make more than one coffee date with a friend in a day, to be out for too long, or on my feet for too long. I feel like a lazy bum and it's driving me bonkers! {in this moment at least}
My underwear {haven't had a problem with them until a week or two ago} are now even uncomfortable! 
I want to wash my face and do my hair, but even those things are a chore. Bending over the sink hurts my back, and curling my hair is a pain as well. 
It's been a while since I've posted a belly shot of me. Probably because I'm hardly dressed in the day long enough to take one. I get dressed to go out, and then come home and remove the awkward and ill-fitting clothing. People say I'm carrying these boys well, that my belly hasn't 'torpedoed' or gotten too crazy big, but I feel the mass that's in front of my frame and it's freaking heavy!!

Fun having this moment right here and now with you... 
Thinking my options are these
a} Get up, shower, wash my hair, blow dry and curl it, even if it takes 3 hours!! just to feel pretty. And of course talking to God always happens in the calm of a shower, so this option is sounding nice.
b} Turn on some music, sing praises and speak words of thankfulness and gratitude for the epic season of life that I'm in while putting away dishes and laundry. A joyful heart is good medicine you know!
c} Sit here moping, crying and remaining frustrated. Watch something on Hulu, eat some more, and send sad text messages to friends... hmmm ya no thanks!

I choose, option a!
See ya friends. Thanks for listening/reading and bearing with me as the hormones if the super pregnant wife take over for a sec. I'm fine, I'm actually good.
Shawn just called and should be home in an hour, and I'm excited to spend time with him. He can put the dishes away while we laugh together over the silly things in life. 
A nice cry is sometimes whatcha gotta do!
Happy Wife


Jessica said...

When are your boys due? Sounds like you're just going a little stir crazy!! I don't blame you! Don't be too hard on yourself, it is so hard not being able to do what you want because your body won't let you!! But you have the best reason :)

Anonymous said...

Awww!! I totally know! More relating to my first tri because I was an exhausted, sick, crying FOOL for months! But I get it. You are choosing the better way. I have to go register today. I barely have the energy to move + would happily stay in bed all day. I'm praying for you. I know lots of other mommas are too!

"I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge - even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you - so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his son, Jesus Christ our Lord."