Monday, May 21, 2012

The last 24 hours

Sunday night-
2am and more than my babies, frustration is what keeps me awake right now.
Evenings have been interesting...
What to do when both boys need to eat at the same time?
Feed them at the same time, okay. But then who to burp first?
Pick up one, the other cries so hard they lose their meal...
Poor little guys are tired, but kept awake as the commotion of the other is unsettling.
"Oh, Mama's gonna burp you first and leave me laying here... Cool, I'll wait." NOT!

Asking Shawn for help is a whole other story {but ties directly to the way that evenings run}.
My Hubby is incredible! From the moment we found out that we'd be making a home for twins, he was up for the challenge.

The boys are silent... shall I now get some sleep?
I'd rather get all these thoughts off of my chest, but I know that sleep is more beneficial at this point.
Hmmm, but I just made coffee...
That answered that, apparently Emerson is still awake - we are both heavy eyed... Him in his crib, and me, sitting at the dining room table.
3 chugs of coffee... Here we go.

-Asking Shawn to help... Love him, but he somehow manages to wake the boys up more than put them back to sleep. He tries, so very hard, but each night that I

My bed is torture. It's so comfortable, but the grip that it has on my body in the middle of the night is painful! 

Today has been the hardest. Tears, no, not just tears, sobs... I am exhausted. It's been non-stop since the early hours of the morning, or the middle of the night, whatever you'd like to call it.

The boys aren't too fussy, or grumpy or difficult... it's just that there are two.
I'm sitting on the couch in the living room watching the boys as they are both finally in a deep sleep.

With headphones in my ears, the world around is silent. Jonsi once again sings me into a happy, calm and comforting place... 
...The music crescendoed, and I wept. Hard and still silent.

In order for me to rise, to stand up, to face this epic journey with confidence, I have to release the pain at times. I have to let out that pressure that quickly gets trapped within.

It's not that I am so overwhelmed that this is impossible. If anything, I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am. Showered and soaking from head to toe in a dream come true. My sons, my dreams, laying before my very eyes. Intricately made and brought to life, entrusted into my care...
When I was but a small infant, their lives were already prepared.

I can do this! I am perfect for this. 
Being the Mother of Hunter and Emerson is what I was

I will carry them - and I will run!
Chasing after adventure! Chasing after the sun, the oceans tide and the warm breeze of contentment! We will follow Jesus!
And when I cannot carry them any longer, I will hold their little hands and show them what it is to bask in Gods loving kindness. Their small hands will feed the poor, hold the hurting and wipe the tears of those in need. The will learn of pain, and they will be taught that they are image bearers of a life saving Creator. Together we will invite the Almighty God to flow through us.
Then one day, when their hands have grown larger and stronger than mine, I will let go, and step behind them and I will watch as miracles happen and as lives are transformed.

*I've been jotting thoughts down in a notebook lately and these blurbs are whats written on those pages.
Some sentences are unfinished and others a bit scrambled... but this is me, right now, and I want to take you in and give you a tour of the world inside my head.
Please know that I'm doing so very well!!! I cry, yes!! I have a feeling that most new Mothers do. But I'm doing awesome! Really I am :)


21SaraLoves said...

Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us Amber. All mothers struggle but you are doing an amazing job. Cherish them and they will cherish you as well. Hope you get some more sleep this week!

Marcy said...

Beautiful. Hang in there mama. You really need to get some sleep when they are sleeping. It seems like you are always awake when they are sleeping. I know it is amazing to watch them, but you NEED sleep. However, I do love all of your posts and that is probably the only time you can write. Balance. I love reading about your joy and your journey.

Loud Mouthed Mommy said...

All of us have our moments of break down and bumps in the road. But you have your heart, hopes and faith in th right place. Wish I could be as faithful as you are!! You're an inspiration! Prayers for you and your sweet boys! And kisses too.

Jacqueline Decker said...

This made me cry!! I know exactly how you feel. It's bottled emotions that seem to burst out at the most random times. I get it. I've been there. I am a twin and I know how hard it was for my parents - I am blessed with just one baby girl and I love her dearly. I could never imagine having 2 at the same time. My heart goes out to you!
Your boys are gorgeous :)

Becca said...

This is amazing. Just so you know, even seasoned mamas cry a lot too! Being a mom is not for the faint of heart that's for sure! I agree that you should get as much sleep as possible right now since they still sleep a ton, the time is coming when they won't want to sleep as much and you will be pulling out your hair wishing you could just close your eyes for ten minutes...but it's all worth it! :)